I CAN MOONWALK!
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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