that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
