Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
