You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
she peed on how many people?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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