It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
