She's like a pop up book from hell.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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