Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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