You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
