I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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