The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
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We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
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I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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