Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
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