no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
