someone threw a dead crab at me
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
