I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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