My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
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