Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Dicks are not precious.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
