my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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