Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I want to be your penis for a week.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
