Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
