If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
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Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
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Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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