I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
