Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
