There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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