I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
