so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
