Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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