I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Randomize
