me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
