I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
