Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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