Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
They have beer where we have blood.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
