Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
