He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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