Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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