dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
