I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
