Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
25 People Confess Their Favorite Way To Annoy Their Significant Other
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
These 21 Women Share What Sexual Harassment In The Military Is Really Like
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor