Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
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Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
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I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.