So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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