i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
