i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
