Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
