my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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