Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
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