he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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