He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
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I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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