Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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