If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
