i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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