I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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