Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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