I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Did you pee in the oven last night??
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
