I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
