i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
