How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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