a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
