Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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